18 - 24 months ago...

I was leading a group of 20-30 teenagers, most of whom I had known for years. Now I lead a church of 90-100 20-30 year olds the vast majority of whom I have met in the last 10-12 months.

I was a worship leader and therefore spent a lot of time messing with sound gear and tech stuff. Now I still start every Sunday with an hour or so of messing with gear.

I preached 8 times a year and was supposed to fill in gaps when the Senior Pastor was away. Now I preach 47 times a year and it’s my job to be the primary expositor of the word for the congregation at Deep Water.

I oversaw a band, 3-4 youth leaders, and very, very occasionally some small group leaders. Now I lead a team of dozens of volunteers each week in a variety of different ministries.

It was a five min drive to the office. Now it’s a five step walk from my bedroom. It was far healthier the other way. Must do something about that.

I went to LBA meetings and threw in my ten cents on where the church was going. Now it’s my job to cast the vision, initiate the discussions, foresee the obstacles, convince the un-persuaded, develop our leaders, set the direction for the entire church, and suffer the vast majority of fallout from any bad decisions.

It was my job to spend the few thousand bucks I was handed on youth events and sound gear. Now I have to raise our funds, create our budget, figure out all the financial systems, work with our treasurer on charitable status and tax stuff, figure out how salaries and housing allowances and EI and CPP and Blue Cross and pension work. I have to make decisions like how much to spend on what, do we get office space, do we hire additional staff, do we save for a rainy day or make hay while the sun shines.

I could take anything that was too big, too scary, too complicated, too hard, or too messy and drop it in my bosses lap to figure out. Now I take those types of things to bed with me instead.

I was responsible to disciple a small group of great teens and lead 5-6 songs every Sunday. Now I am responsible to lead a church bumping up against 100 and everything that entails with no pre-existing structures to support stuff and no pre-existing patterns of ministry to rely on and with limited material resources. Oh yea, and I’m responsible to bring the gospel to a largely un-reached people group who have been accurately described as the drunk and disinterested.

I didn’t find it next to impossible to disengage from work. I never used words like “under stress” to describe how I’m feeling. I never found myself wishing for a break because I felt drained but also dreading my day off because the relative lack of stimulation meant 16 hours of intense boredom. I never drove around late at night asking God to show us how to reach the folks I passed. I never cried about ministry. I never laid on the floor in my office and said to God “this is to big, to heavy, to much. I’m not smart enough, talented enough, creative enough, or strong enough to pull this off. It has to be You, your strength, your power that builds this church.” I was restless, I didn’t feel a clear sense my place in God’s will. I never felt a crushing weight or a burning passion. And now… now I feel overwhelmed and under-prepared, over-challenged and under-resourced, overstretched and under-skilled, overjoyed and under-girded, overshadowed and understood.

Jesus has called me to a mission. I have His Spirit, His power, His Word, His people, His peace, and lots of clean underwear. I am embracing the next 18-24 months and I'm excited to see where He leads, how I grow, who's lives He's changes.